Confession

While reading Snow Crash I came across a line stating that so many intellectuals hold to atheism because atheism is considered as an intelligectual philosophy. It made me think. For a period of my life I considered myself an agnostic, which is cousin to an atheist. When I read the Stephenson quote, I wondered how much of my agnosticism was due to my skeptical nature and how much of it was due to the distinction of being agnostic.

Honestly, I always liked it when I told people I was agnostic and would have to follow it up with an explanation of what the word means... It made me feel smart. More than that, the whole point of being an agnostic is that you're saying to the world, "I'm too smart to believe in God...and yet I'll also admit the possibility that I could be wrong (i.e. unlike atheists)." So you end up with this superiority complex because you feel smarter than everyone else in the world and yet you're still intellectually humble. You don't have to feel condescending for your stance on religion.

I suppose I still feel that way. I met a neighbor the other day who's an atheist and, of course, I immediately started talking about my own experiences. Why? Because I thought it might create some sort of trust between us, sure, but also because deep down, a part of me still thinks the word "agnostic" is equivalent to "smart" even though I'm an avowed Mormon.

What's my freaking problem?!

In my view, the most moral person is the person whose actions are good and are uninfluenced by any outside source. I know that sounds wrong. I can and do allow God, philosophy, my wife, my family and friends to influence my morals, but once I have internalized this morality, I should follow it without any regard to who may or may not be around me -- who may or may not find out.

I used to do a better job of not caring what other people thought. I remember when I decided to quit swearing in high school. I had been reading the Tao Te Ching and decided that I should never justify my weaknesses. I stopped swearing the next day and Dave, Dan's brother, mocked me for it. I remember feeling secure in my decision and unwavering, despite the fact that he was my friend.

In regards to my conversation with my neighbor: I'm not saying that I can't or shouldn't share aspects of my past with other people. Who I was before certainly has bearing on who I am now. But if I truly open up the door of my past a crack and let someone see in, it should be for the right reasons. What I told him was not really a desire to let him know who I am...it was a desire to laud myself and create a quick and dirty connection with him on a superficial level. I was whoring myself.

I need to let a lot of crap go. I need to rid myself of false pretension. I need to feel secure enough with who I am that I don't need to impress people with cheap parlor tricks.

Anyway...let's see how I do.