Fatty fat fat

My weight's up again: I weigh as much as I did 15 months ago. This is bad. This is really bad.

It's not the weight that bothers me that much. I'm looking frumpy, which is not the end of the world (though it bugs me when I outgrow a pair of pants that were LOOSE on me a year ago!). What bother me are the reasons why I've put on the weight.

I'm reliant on sleep now. It used to be that I could live off of 5-6 hours without any problem. In fact I used to be a morning person. Now I'm lethargic. I hit snooze 2-3 times, trying to get every last second of sleep in before I have to roll out and head to school. That's problem one.

Second problem is this: I can't stop eating. It's like I'm afraid that there's a food shortage and if I don't eat anything even remotely appetizing this very second, that it'll be gone tomorrow and I'll never eat it again. We ordered pizza with some friends the other day and I ate 6 pieces! I was satisfied after 2. In fact, after my third slice I was feeling queasy and yet - the thought of NOT eating another slice seemed horrible. So then I ate 6 and felt like dying.

Same thing with desserts. Honestly, I don't like sugary food. I don't. The only sugary food I like is chocolate milk and brown sugar Pop Tarts. That's it. Cake and ice cream are good ocasionally. And yet, you put a pan of Rice Krispy treats in my kitchen and it's Jaws III...

I suck.

I used to take care of my body. I wasn't vain but I was proud of my will power. When I said, "No," I meant it -- and not just about food. For example, if I wanted to get up early and my alarm went off, even if I COULD hit snooze, the very fact that I shouldn't hit it would get me up. In fact, I got a perverse satisfaction out of dominating myself.

No longer. I am a slave to my stomach. I keep making up stupid diets and "rules" and then break them a day later. Sometimes an hour later. The worst part is this: I know it only takes 3 days to break a habit. It takes 3 weeks to set a new habit, but it only takes 3 days to break one. I can't even make it 3 days.